hello all,
Jana here again. i wanted to write today and was not sure of what i was going to write about until now. you know i have always remained faithful to my husband, even through our hard times. We went through a time where we were dealing with a lot of difficult things in our lives and instead of him talking to me about things, he took things in his own hands and started talking to another woman. I didn’t find this out until after we were married and of course he ended things when i told him either he has her as a “friend” or he has me. Through time I could not let this go, because I NEVER expected this kind of behavior out of him. We had known each other for 7 years and were best friends. We got each other through a lot in life and we were so much alike…we still are today (aside from the cheating part). this is why i never expected this out of him.
I could not let things go. I became obsessed with what exactly went on between them. I started asking questions and got pieces…first it was “innocent” information like that he just talked to her and then when i pushed the issue more, I found out more little details. Through the past two years I have become more and more obsessed with this situation and it is so hard for me to let go because each time i bring it up (like every couple months or so) I find out more information…he always says that there is no more information each time, but then I put everything together and then I end up bringing it up again and then I find out something else…
i feel like i am losing my mind here. For each time i find out something new, it hurts me but yet then again i become more obsessed with the situation and want to know more. I am still to this day obsessed with this, and want to know everything and he says still that there is no more information. Am I crazy for being so obsessed, and how does one NOT become, or overcome obsession?
any answers would be appreciated because I feel like I am losing my mind here with this obsession…I mean I want to go so far as to find this other woman and get her side of the story, but can’t find her. Anyway, enough venting today. talk later.
JL
hi Jana:
this is a tough one, but the bottom line here is this: Can you re-build trust, and do you still want your marriage?
when i was a wife (more than ten years ago), i went through a situation with my then-husband where he would repeatedly ask me the same question over and over and over again about one particular man. i NEVER had an affair with this man, but he was my first love and held a special place in my heart.
the more my ex-husband asked the question, the more determined i became to not talk about it. finally, one day, out of sheer frustration and physical exhaustion from being accountable for the same damned question, i simply told him what i thought he wanted to hear in order to shut him up.
the question he kept asking was: Do you think it is possible to be in love with two men at the same time? translation, “are you in love with both me and K?” repeatedly, i had said, “no.” but when i got to the height of being fed up, i said, “i suppose it is. you didn’t like my real answer, so i’m going to say what i think you need me to say so we can be done with it.”
in his mind, this confirmed some sort of affair, and when he could find no physical evidence of it, he accused me of having an “emotional” affair. no matter what the truth was, in his mind, i was having an affair.
but the truth of the matter is, when he had me, he had me. i walked down an aisle at our wedding to him and could not *see* any other man except him. when he kept questioning me, he eroded my trust. i began to think every question was a means to entrap me and force some kind of confession, and i talked to him less and less, until there was no more talking.
so, while i can’t tell you how not to be obsessed, i can say this: if you believe your husband had an affair with this woman, say so in your own heart and *to* your husband, so that you can be free to move on … to things that should be more important to you or to freedom so that you can live your life without this husband and this stress. decide what his having an affair would mean for you and be prepared to act on that meaning. otherwise, you’re talking about something that hasn’t been confirmed and will drive you nuts.
another layer to this conversation is that fact that even if he did have an affair, he’s with you now. build on NOW, not the past. let him know how devastated you would be to discover he slept with that other woman so he will understand the risk he takes if he engages in that type of behavior … and gets caught.
one more thing. i learned, too, the meaning of something my grandmother always used to say to me as a little girl: “a man doesn’t look behind a door that he hasn’t been behind himself.” so, if i were your husband, and you were obsessing like this, i would think that you either had a rocky past of people hurting you like this … or you have either had an affair or contemplated it yourself. hence, the obsession.
for the record, my ex-husband had two affairs that i know of during our marriage. he admitted later that he only responded to me the way that he did by asking that question over and over because he knew full well what he was doing outside our marriage himself, and the thought of me doing the same — of giving away something sacred to us both — enraged him.
double standard, anyone?
so, i hope you’ll find the good things in your marriage to focus on. the obsession thing can kill even the joy of a good dinner.
best light!
~Cherryl